Shattering Life
by daughterofmusic
Summary: “I didn’t mean that I wasn’t strong enough to resist your blood,” I began, looking down at our entwined hands.  “I am – I’m a lot stronger, that way, than I used to be... I don't know if I'm strong enough to intentionally cause you pain.


Shattering Life

_[A/N: When I think about Edward changing Bella, I wonder what he'll be thinking. He's changing the love of his life – or rather, existence – into a vampire! This is huge! What's running through his head? What's he worried about? Is he excited? Scared?_

_Well, you know me. I had to write about it - so here it is. It's set for just a couple days after they get married, they've already said their good-byes to Charlie, Renee, etc._

_One tiny thing, though… I didn't know if vampires could cry or not. I couldn't find it anywhere. So I'm very sorry if the end is incorrect – it was just so much more romantic (I thought) to have him crying._

_Read and __**review!**__ Thanks!_

_Daughter of Music_

_P.S. No, I don't own Twilight, or any of these characters._

_P.P.S. By the way, to my few regular readers, I am sorry it's taking me so long to update on Your Eyes Will Adjust – I'll try to update soon! Love you all!_

Edward 

We were sitting on the front porch of our new home in Alaska, watching the sun set. Bella's hair fanned out around her face as a light breeze came up, and her warm brown eyes skimmed the colorful clouds.

"I'm ready," she said. "Can you do this for me?" I gazed into the forest around us for a long time.

"I don't know, Bella," I murmured. "I'm not sure I'm strong enough." I turned to look at her, trying to smile. She took my hand.

"Of course you are," she said soothingly. How strange, that she should comfort me when in a matter of hours she would be writhing in pain… I shuddered away from the thought. "You've been hunting twice this week," Bella continued. "Your eyes are the lightest I've ever seen them. And," she smiled shyly, "You love me. Don't worry – I know you won't kill me." I shook my head – she didn't understand. Of course I wouldn't kill her – I never could. But that's not what I was worried about. That's not what haunted my every moment alone with her.

"That's not what I mean," I said quietly. I couldn't meet her gaze. "I'm not going to kill you – of course not." She frowned. Her open confusion only made me feel worse.

"What do you mean, then?" she asked, softly massaging my marble hand. The warmth – incredible – and soon it would be gone…

"I didn't mean that I wasn't strong enough to resist your blood," I began, looking down at our entwined hands. "I am – I'm a lot stronger, _that_ way, than I used to be." I took a slow breath. "What I meant was that I don't know if I'm strong enough to intentionally cause you pain." Just thinking about it made me nauseous. Memories flickered through my mind.

The first was in the ballet studio, so long ago.

_Bella lay in a pool of her own blood, her leg at an odd angle. Her face was ashen, her eyes closed, as I ran to her side._

"_Edward," she moaned softly, her eyes fluttering open._

"_I'm here," I said, wishing I could help her. I didn't dare touch her for fear of hurting her more._

"_It hurts," she whimpered, tears pooling in eyes clouded with pain. She closed them again._

"_I know," I said, my voice breaking. Turning to Carlisle I begged, "Can't you do anything?" She was in such pain… Then she screamed. The sound ripped through me._

"_Fire! My hand is on fire!" And then, as I sucked the venom out of her blood, her cries of pain rang in my ears…_

The memory shifted. I saw Jacob's mental image of her after I left. Her evident internal pain, raging inside her, was even worse than seeing her in physical agony. She was crying, tears running down her cheeks, hugging herself so tightly it was like she was trying to stop herself from falling apart completely…

Then seeing her cry for Jacob Black, only a few weeks ago, watching her make the decision to leave him forever, sobbing the tears that only he could dry for her…

And all of those were my fault. They were all caused because I had met Bella, befriended her, and then fallen in love. So now, when I said I wasn't strong enough to change Bella, I didn't mean physically. No – I meant emotionally. I didn't know if I could hurt her like that again.

Yet it was what she wanted – more than anything else, so she told me. Of course, I had no real way to tell, since her thoughts remained veiled to me, but then again she had never been more persistent about anything before. It was just so hard for me to believe, to accept, that she wanted me - to the point of death. That she really, truly loved me.

"You don't have to do it," she reminded me, breaking the momentary silence. "Carlisle, or Alice, could-" I shook my head.

"Stop being so unselfish," I said, half-smiling at her. "I know you want me to do it." She sighed and nodded.

"Or, you don't have to _watch_ the whole thing," she suggested. "You could go hunt or… something." I could hear the humor in her voice.

"Yeah," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'll just condemn you to eternal death, then leave you while it actually happens. Uh-huh." Not a chance. Bella giggled.

"Well, then, what else remains?" she said, becoming serious again. "Don't worry about me, honestly. I'll be fine – and when it's over, we'll be together forever. Just keep that in mind – it's what's kept me going." She smiled up at me. I kissed her in reply.

An hour later, we were inside our new home. I was talking to Carlisle – he was trying to teach me a little bit about how exactly to go about changing Bella.

"You'll need to be very careful with her," he advised. "After you bite her, she won't be in any condition to be moved. She needs to stay here – try not to let her thrash about too much, we don't want her to hurt herself in the process." He gazed at me intently. "Are you sure you can do this?"

I sighed. "No, I'm not sure. I mean, I'll do it for her – but I don't know how I'll be able to see her –" I broke off and looked away.

"I know. It'll be difficult to see her in such pain." An image entered into Carlisle's mind – Esme, being changed, and him unable to do anything but sit by her side and wait… _It's hard,_ he told me. _But I've never regretted it. It's worth it all in the end._

I nodded. "One last thing." This was awkward. "Um… where should I bite her?" Carlisle smiled.

"The quickest way is the neck," he said. "It'll get the venom through her faster than anything else would." I nodded again and turned away.

"Good luck, son," Carlisle added softly. _We'll be waiting._ Without another word, he left.

I met Bella in our room. She had been getting a lecture on how best to deal with the pain by Esme. (Alice had wanted to stay while I changed her, but I informed her that she would only distract me. I wanted to do this alone – I didn't need Alice coming around every five minutes saying, "Only a couple more hours now". It had taken a while to get her out of the house.)

Bella was dressed in a T-shirt and pajama pants, sitting on the bed. She jumped up when I came in and grabbed my hand. Her pulse was faster than normal, and I could feel the tension in her body.

_She'll be fine,_ Esme directed her thought at me. _We'll check up in a few days._ She stood and kissed Bella's forehead. "Don't worry too much," she said with a wavering smile. "It'll be over in a matter of days." Bella nodded.

"Thanks," she said. "I'll talk to you in three days. Tell Emmett to get ready for one major arm-wrestling contest." Esme laughed and departed.

Bella turned to me. "All right," she said, taking a deep breath. "Let's get this over with." I nodded. Scooping her up in my arms, I sat in the armchair next to the bed and seated her on my lap.

"Just one more thing, though," she added before I had a chance to say anything.

"What?" I asked curiously.

"This." She leaned into me and kissed me fully on the lips. Finally she broke away for air – her heart was racing again. She smiled.

"Just so you remember – how warm I used to be. I don't want you to forget the old me." I shook my head in at her.

"As if I could ever forget," I said softly, and kissed her back. Her arms wrapped around my neck and she pushed herself against me. I carefully, slowly, moved my lips across her face, and down her neck to where the blood pumped more than usual. "This is going to hurt," I murmured, my stomach wrenching. Then I bit her.

Two days later, she was lying on the bed still, mumbling incoherently as she tossed and turned. She had done well, considering everything – she had stopped screaming last night.

"Edward," she moaned softly. "It hurts… make it stop…"

"Only a few more hours," I whispered, clutching one of her hands in both of mine. "Only a little while longer…" Tears trickled down my face as I wished desperately that I could ease her pain. But it was too late now – soon she would be just like the rest of us. A monster.

A vampire.


End file.
